ECCLESFIELD VERSION OF “THE OLD TUP”
Collected by R. Greig from Les Hartley 4.6.1975
BONNY OLD LASS: In comes in Bonny Old Lass,
Never come if we were short o' brass.
Pay for a pint and let's all sup,
If you'll all be agreeable we'll act t' Owd Tup.
BEELZEBUB: In comes in t'owd Beelzebub,
O'er my shoulder I carry my club,
In my hand a dripping pan,
I think missen a jolly old man.
A jolly old man I mean to he,
I've got three sons as big as me,
And to these few words I've got to say,
Step in little Devilty Doubt
And sweep them all away.
DEVILTY DOUBT: In comes in Little Devilty Doubt
With my pockets inside out,
Money I want, money I pray,
If you don't give me any money,
I'll sweep you all away.
I've got a little box under my arm
A copper or two will do it no harm,
A shilling or two will do it some good,
Please will you spare a copper?
I’S NE’ER BEYN IT: In comes I's ne'er beyn it
My great head and little wit
My head is great, my wits are small,[i]
I've something behind me to please you all.
TOM: In comes in Rolling Tolling Tumbling Tom,
I've seen the death of many a one,
I've seen the death of many a score,
I hope to see the death of many more.
I went to t'cupboard to get a crust,
My big belly were fit to bust.
I went down garden to get a bean
My big belly went empty again.
BUTCHER: In comes in t'owd Butchery Guts
Stuck a fat heifer that never drew blood[ii]
Stucked him and plucked and left him to die
And came in the morning and found him alive.
Here he is and here he lies
And all he calls for is doctor, doctor.
DOCTOR: Here am I.
BUTCHER: How hast thou become a doctor?
DOCTOR: By my heart and activity.
BUTCHER: By thee 'art on thee cap on thee knee?
DOCTOR: No, no thou foolish blockhead, by my heart and activity.
BUTCHER: What can'st thou cure?
DOCTOR: All sorts.
BUTCHER: What's all sorts?
DOCOR: Itch, the pitch, the pains and the gout,
And the palls within and the pains without,
The pains that fly all round about.
BUTCHER: How far hast thou travelled?
DOCTOR: Italy, Sicily, Ireland and Spain And now returning to old England again. Upstairs in bed I have stole and ate many a lump of cheese and bread. In my pocket I have crutches for lame ducks, spectacles for blind beetles, panasocks and panikins for broken-hearted mice. Why if a man had ninety-nine devils in his skull, I could cast two hundred of them out.
BUTCHER: Pooh, pooh! Thou art the devil of a doctor. This tup has been dead for ninety-nine years and thou cannot cure him.
DOCTOR: Here tup, take a sup out of my bottle
And let it run slowly down thy throttle
If thou be alive, rise up and 'bay'.
1. As I was going to Derby
Upon a market day,
I met the finest topsy
That was ever fed up upon hay.
(Chorus) Fay lay lie for lay lullay.
2. The horns that grew on this topsy,
They grew so mighty high,
That every time it went uphill
They rattled against the sky.
3. The blood that ran from this topsy
Ran down on Derby moor,
Turned four and twenty water wheels
That'd never been turned before.
4. All the women in Derby
Came begging for its skin,
To make some leather aprons
And rub it well within.
5. All the lads in Derby,
Came begging for his hide,
To make a pair of footballs,
For they were just the size.
6. And now this song is ended
I hope it has pleased you well,
If you give us another sixpence
We'll sing you plenty more.
[i] First three lines similar to the Bassingham Children’s play
[ii] Similar line in Ampleforth play
We ask Google to forgive the Yorkshire dialect needed to record this folklore, and put it in their index as a family-friendly local tradition